


How could I...?

by MistDream23



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Season/Series 04 Spoilers, Slightly Destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 20:44:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistDream23/pseuds/MistDream23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How could I let you torture Alastair? How could I let you get out the worst part of you, that shadow you have that weights like Hell, your own Hell?<br/>Please Dean... forget me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How could I...?

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Supernatural's episode 4x16, I've written the thoughts I'd have If I were Cas. Slightly Destiel, bit of angst, full of feelings. I know the idea isn't new, but somehow I had to write this. Too much was said in these scenes, in this episode. Nowadays (I've finished the 4th season) this is one of my favorite episodes. 
> 
> I don't own Supernatural universe and his characters.
> 
> Dean talking -> bold  
> Cas talking -> italics  
> Uriel talking -> underlined  
> Anna talking -> bold and underlined
> 
> Cas is the one who's describing all the scenes and... the gaps between the dialogues and 'feels description' are like these because I tried to maintain (somehow) the rythm of the voices and thoughts.

 

I understood. It was a heavy petition. A difficult order... even for me.

_"Dean, you are our best hope."_

You were looking down. And then you stared at me, angry, _scared_.

" **No. No way. You can't ask me to do this, Cas. Not this."**

You weren't refusing the order, you were begging me not to fulfilled my order. You were begging me... but I didn't understand for what at that moment.

Then Uriel walked towards you... but I didn't hear what he said. I followed him with my eyes, but my mind was thinking about the fear I had notices on you. The fear I didn't understand.

And, suddenly, we were back at where Alastair was hold prisoner.

You were tense. You were breathing heavily. Your eyes were fixed on him, and I could feel that fear, emerging from your body, like a wave of hot, asphyxiating air.

 

_"This devil's trap is old Enochian. He's bound completely."_

You took your time to response. Your voice then sounded as if the fear was controlling you.

**"Fascinating. Where's the door?"**

You wanted to hide. You wanted to run away, as fast as you can. But, even if I wanted it too, I couldn't let you go. Not then.

_"Where are you going?"_

**"Hitch back to Cheyenne, thank you very much."**

But Uriel was faster than you. I still don't know why, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. All I could do was look at you, your muscles tensed, your blood pressure increasing, you fear growing. But Uriel wasn't the fear's cause.

**"Everybody's dying these days. And hey, I get it. You're all-powerful. You can make me do whatever you want. But you can't make me do this."**

You sounded desperate, so desperate. You turned back at looked at me, and I walked to you, unconsciously.

 

_"This is too much to ask, I know. But we have to ask it."_

I was praying at that time, praying for you to understand that I didn't want you to do it. It wasn't me the one who was asking, the one who was giving the orders. I could feel your that fear, I could hear you screaming from the back of your mind, shouting at me, swearing at me. I could swear I even heard you insulting me, the way you usually do.

But I wasn't expecting your answer. 

 

**"I want to talk to Cas alone."**

Uriel looked at me, and sighed. He knew I was the only one who could convince you, even if I was the last who wanted to.

 

"I think I'll go seek revelation. We might have some further orders."

**"Well, get some donuts while you're out."**

Uriel laughed. Back then, it seemed like he was actually enjoying the situation.

"Ah, this one just won't quit, will he? I think I'm starting to like you, boy."

When he vanished, your look was saying much more than your fake joker mood.

 

**"You guys don't walk enough. You're gonna get flabby."**

I didn't know how to response to that poor intent of change of subject, so I just didn't.

 

**"You know, I'm starting to think junkless has a better sense of humor than you do."**

You looked upset with me. Disappointed. I didn't know what do you wanted me to say.

_"Uriel's the funniest angel in the garrison. Ask anyone."_

You came at where I stood. That tense, unnatural wave walking with you as a heavy, unwanted armour. You needed answers. And I gave them without hesitating.

**"What's going on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?"**

  
  
_"My superiors have_ _begun to question my sympathies."_

  
  
**"Your sympathies?"**

 

You didn't know back then. Neither did I. We were too oblivious, even naïve.

 

_"I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You. They feel I've begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment."_

 

I felt naked, I couldn't look at you. I sometimes wonder if I look at you with the same strength you looked at me then.  
  
 **"Well, tell Uriel, or whoever...you do not want me doing this, trust me."**

 

  
I didn't want you to.

 

_"Want it, no. But I have been told we need it."_

 

I begun to hate me for that, for forcing you into it. I wasn't aware of what I was feeling, because I didn't know what _feeling_ was.

 

 

**"You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out."**

I'd never dare to say what I was actually thinking. Whatever walked back out, it would still be you, and I would accepted it. And your voice... your fear was talking thought it, shaking, begging me to stop.

 

 

_"For what it's worth, I would give anything not to have you do this."_

 

  
We couldn't look at each other. You couldn't look at me for what I have asked you.

 

 

xxx

Your suffering made me feel. Feel, Dean.

 

_"I'm considering disobedience."_

 

** "Good." **

 

_"No, it isn't. For the first time, I feel..."_

 

Emotions. Doubt, grief, shame... love? And all because I'd been commanded to make you torture Alastair. Because I had to watch the worst of you, knowing you'd be suffering because of your regret.

You made me feel. You opened a door I wouldn't have crossed if I hadn't known you.

 

But you are special Dean, you have always been, even if you don't believe it.

 

xxx

I couldn't look at you. Not after what I'd done to you, not while you were lying on a hospital bed, tied to machines and tubes, looking dreadful. No, because I put you there, and all was my fault.

_"Are you all right?"_

**"No thanks to you."**

I knew how you were looking at me. And I hated me because of it.

 

_"You need to be more careful."_

**"You need to learn how to manage a damn devil's trap."**

_"That's not what I mean."_

 

You were angry, and you had motives for it. My heart ached then, I felt again a pressure on it, as asphyxiating as the fear I noticed on you before.

_"Uriel is dead."_

**"Was it the demons?"**

  
  
_"It was disobedience. He was working against us."_   


I still can remember that silence between us.

 

  
  
**"Is it true?"**

 

You needed answers. I wanted to be honest, so I looked at you. Whatever you asked, I would answer straight, truthfully.

**"Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?"**

  
  
There was no point at lying. As I talked, I felt your fear again, then combined with a grief that couldn't be spoken.

 _"Yes. When we discovered Lilith's plan for you, we laid siege to hell and we fought our way to get to you before you—"_  
  
" **Jump-started the apocalypse."**

 **  
**  
 _"And we were too late."_  
  
" **Why didn't you just leave me there, then?"**

 

I did not blame you. I don't. And I won't ever blame you.  
  
 _"It's not blame that falls on you, Dean, it's fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it."_

You could probably noticed my fear.

 

 _"You have to stop it."_   


And the heat, dark wave of fear was there again.

 

  
**"Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean? Hey! Don't you go disappearing on me, you son of a bitch. What does that mean!"**

**  
**  
" _I don't know."_  
  
 **"Bull!"**

  
_  
"I don't. Dean, they don't tell me much. I know our fate rests with you."_

 

 

Then, when you answered... those were the words, the tears that broken my heart. The emotions I've just started to developed were falling down as fast as your fear grew.

 

  
**"Well, then you guys are screwed. I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here. I'm not—I'm not strong enough. Well, I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It's not me."**

I didn't know what to say, what to do. How could I comfort you when I had caused part of your suffer?

I promised myself not to hurt you again.

 

 

 

Only God knows how hard I've tried.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it, and, as I always say, any grammar/spelling mistake, please tell me! ^^ I don't have any beta reader...


End file.
